Steps to Take If Your Child Desires to Alter Their Pronouns

How to react when your kid wants to change their gender pronouns

The issue of children transitioning gender pronouns has been the center of controversy recently, with
one Tory MP suggesting pronouns should be removed from schools as part of a “protection mechanism” for kids and another advocating that kids should be banned from changing their pronouns at school.

However, it is quite essential that we initiate sensible discussions on pronouns.

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An increasing number of young people are challenging the gender binary, attests family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin. She reports a significant rise in young individuals reconsidering their identity.

Fiona Yassin, the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, mentions that approximately 60% of children and adolescents treated at the clinic express a desire to change their birth-assigned pronouns.

In some instances, the children expressing these thoughts and feelings are pre-teens, which can sometimes surprise their parents.

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Yassin notes that debate around gender identity and pronouns is especially noticeable among younger children, around 10 or 11 years old.

These questions of identity: 'Who am I?' and 'Who do I want to be?' are often strongly tied to self-development.

Pronouns are the words we use to refer to ourselves and others on a daily basis, and according to Stonewall, they are a significant means of expressing gender identity. Some common pronouns include she/her, he/him, and they/them.

Yassin adds that while children and teens are now frequently discussing pronouns and identity, many parents and caregivers may feel unequipped to navigate these conversations due to a lack of understanding or familiarity.

With this need for guidance acknowledged, Yassin offers tips for parents on how to approach conversations with young individuals who wish to change their pronouns.

1. Be patient and avoid making assumptions

Parents often worry about an impending shift in their child's sexuality when informed about a potential pronoun change, explains Yassin. Nevertheless, it is crucial to understand that gender identity and sexuality are distinct entities.

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Yassin has noticed cases where youths initiate a conversation about pronouns only to be questioned by their parents on whether they are gay.

This reaction tends to arise from parental fears around their child's desired transition. However, there are various stages to transitioning, all of which require careful communication.

Most importantly, parents are advised to listen to the initial information being presented, avoid reactionary assumptions and refrain from questioning their child's sexuality.

2. Respond in an age-appropriate manner

If an 11-year-old mentions changing their pronouns, it is not appropriate to jump into explicit conversations about surgical or hormonal changes. Deal with the conversations as they evolve, but always meet the child where they are and don't leap to conclusions.

3. Encourage curiosity and actively listen

Mermaids, a charity supporting trans and gender diverse children and their families, advises parents and caregivers to genuinely listen to their children.

This means not only hearing but respecting what your child shares - allowing them space and time to explore these feelings and what they may signify to them as individuals. The key is following your child's lead, according to a spokesperson of the charity.

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Yassin agrees, strongly recommending curiosity as a potent tool: use it to find out what your child is considering about their identity, why they are considering it, and what the different pronouns mean to them.

4. Make sure to create an interruption-free space for conversation

If you cannot listen to your child attentively due to distractions or time constraints, it's essential to defer the conversation to when you can give it your undivided attention.

Yassin suggests addressing your child's admission and setting aside time to delve into the matter collaboratively.

5. Surround your child with supportive, understanding individuals

If a member of the family is likely to exhibit a negative emotional reaction or lack of openness to the conversation, it might be best to have them sit out.

"There are specific family members with rigid attitudes who might make these conversations tricky; it's best to explore these matters with your child without their presence," explains Yassin.

6. Choose your words with care

Make sure to tread carefully with language. You do not want to minimize your child's experience or make them feel boxed in by defining them with labels like 'queer', 'bisexual', or 'heterosexual'.

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Yassin warns against the marginalising and shaming language which could arise from comments relating to the perceived grammatical correctness of they/them pronouns. Remember, the exploration of identity is fluid and evolving.

7. Avoid using language that induces shame

Avoid shaming your child for desiring to change their pronouns. Yassin worries that shaming could result in a generation of children who hide parts of themselves or completely shut down due to their parents' lack of acceptance or curiosity.

Create a safe space for your children to experiment with their identities and stay curious.

8. It's okay to admit when you don't know

If your child is asking questions and you don't have all the answers, admit it. Yassin suggests joining your child's journey of discovery and learning together.

9. Understand that mistakes are a part of the process

You're bound to make a few mistakes along the way, like using wrong language or incorrect pronouns, but Yassin reassures parents that it's okay. Acknowledge this at the outset and discuss with your child the plan of action for the times you make a mistake.

10. Seek professional help, if needed

If a child is considering changing their pronouns, it might be helpful to seek professional help. This can be especially beneficial in keeping family dynamics smooth and reducing potential tension.

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Yassin recommends seeking a gender affirming and gender positive therapist to help guide family conversations and explain why these changes may be happening.

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