Former High School Teacher Exposed for Grooming Student: Unveiling a Troubling Scandal

2023-10-03 14:36:17

My High School Teacher Groomed Me

I was 17 the first time my teacher touched me. He was 47.

I was 14 or 15 the first time he paid me special attention, but a senior when he made me feel confident enough to "make the first move" in his classroom, during school hours, with the door locked, back by the closet with the shades pulled down.

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This went on the whole spring semester and, I'm mortified to admit, throughout college. He had me under his thumb. He told me I was so smart, so talented, so far above the rest of his students. I was special. I saw him, and he saw me.

"I know, now, that what he saw was a victim. An easy target. A girl already fractured. I felt so alienated in my own mind that I was desperate for validation — proof that there wasn't something wrong with me, that I was just better than these other people. Nobody got me like he did."

"Once, standing next to him at his desk, he put his hand up my dress and I gasped so audibly that a classmate glanced over."

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"I'd sneak out of my parents' house at night and meet him in the neighbour's dark field. He was a 'family friend.' He had unfettered access to me."

"Once, early on, in his car, he asked when my birthday was. When I told him, he feigned hesitation about the fact that I had 'just been 16.' But he didn't move his hand from my thigh. Around the same time, he said, 'I'm afraid you'll think of me in the future as some kind of predator.'"

It should've been clear to anyone bothering to pay attention. It was a small town; people talked. But no one did anything."

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"I don't blame my peers; we were children, after all. Nearly every adult in my life failed me spectacularly. The one aunt who tried to raise the alarm — who saw him for what he was — was ridiculed and shunned. I still regret that today."

"He wasn't the first man to hurt me, and he certainly wasn't the last; for a long time, I barely acknowledged the hurt he caused because it felt so insignificant."

"Shame is such a powerful detractor. I was ashamed I had let this happen to me, ashamed I had pursued it in the first place, ashamed that, as a feminist, I could not protect myself from an abusive relationship. So I did nothing."

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I did nothing even when I finally told my siblings and friends who cared about me, who urged me to come forward with their full support.

"Of course, I always knew on some level that it wasn't right — that I would urge any friend to leave a relationship like ours — but I thought knowing that meant that I was in control."

"He's far from the only one, but in the hierarchy of people who fucked me up, he is top-tier. And I'm tired of carrying his secret. I'm tired of carrying his shame."

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"Today, a decade on from 17, I live a life I had never imagined. I have a love that feels like sun-warmed honey. I have friends who knew me then and friends who didn't. No part of this was easy."

Kudra Murphy is the pseudonym of a writer living in Philadelphia.

Help and support:

• Rape Crisis services for women and girls who have been raped or have experienced sexual violence - 0808 802 9999
• Survivors UK offers support for men and boys - 0203 598 3898

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